I had a few close family members read my story before it was posted. They said they loved it but something was amiss. How did I feel? What was I going through?
Honestly I purposely avoided those questions. I didn’t want to write about that. I don’t want to ask myself those questions. I don’t want to feel those feelings. I want to move on. The problem with “moving on” is now facing it all over again.
Because of how it went the first time, I secretly thought it would happen the same way this time. Only this time I would skip the preliminary steps and go right to the test that showed problems the first time.
Thankfully I did get to skip those awful tests and the sonohysterogram showed no polyps! Hooray! But wait then why was I not pregnant yet?
And so came the drugs. The same drugs that helped me get pregnant with Jack after my surgery. Naturally this will work the same way, right?
Three months of clomid, charting, waiting, and no positives. The 3rd month’s pregnancy test was the killer.
My sister conveniently came over right after that test. I was in an awful mood. Super bratty in fact. She asked what was wrong. I made up some bs. When I could tell she wasn’t buying it, I spilled. First yelling and then tears. Poor Abby. She handled it like a champ and suggested I go downstairs and talk to D. While I was crying on his shoulder, I realized how upset I really was. How this stupid infertility was really affecting me. I logically knew it might take months if not years to get pregnant again but I wanted to think differently. I wanted to believe I was like every other woman I knew who, oops got pregnant… with their 4th in fact! They weren’t even planning it! They were even on birth control! HA But that wasn’t my story and that made me sad. It made me sad it takes so much work, planning, money, stress to get pregnant. I was emotionally drained from the hope, the disappointment, the hope, the disappointment, over and over again. And more than anything else, I was scared of the unknowns.
And at that point, I had to ask myself, how many more months of clomid could I take? How many more months of ups and downs did I want to endure? Was I ready for the next steps? IUI? IVF? Another exploratory surgery? Phew it sounded exhausting. I’m not ready I thought. I’m not ready for all that craziness and turmoil.
We needed a break. Maybe we would try again in a couple months but we just needed to relax. Let’s just enjoy Jack being one, we decided.
And so this time around is different than with Jack. The answers aren’t the same. The path has different steps. I am already a Mom and for that I am endlessly grateful. But the pain, the frustration, the unknowns of infertility is the same.
Of course, our God is a timely one and put this in my devotion today:
“I did not design the human mind to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me. Bring Me all your needs, your hopes and fears.” – Jesus Calling
And one of my all time favorites: Psalm 37:5