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I had a few close family members read my story before it was posted. They said they loved it but something was amiss. How did I feel? What was I going through?
Honestly I purposely avoided those questions. I didn’t want to write about that. I don’t want to ask myself those questions. I don’t want to feel those feelings. I want to move on. The problem with “moving on” is now facing it all over again.
The infertility.
Because of how it went the first time, I secretly thought it would happen the same way this time. Only this time I would skip the preliminary steps and go right to the test that showed problems the first time.
The sonohysterogram.
Thankfully I did get to skip those awful tests and the sonohysterogram showed no polyps! Hooray! But wait then why was I not pregnant yet?
And so came the drugs. The same drugs that helped me get pregnant with Jack after my surgery. Naturally this will work the same way, right?
Wrong.
Three months of clomid, charting, waiting, and no positives. The 3rd month’s pregnancy test was the killer.
My sister conveniently came over right after that test. I was in an awful mood. Super bratty in fact. She asked what was wrong. I made up some bs. When I could tell she wasn’t buying it, I spilled. First yelling and then tears. Poor Abby. She handled it like a champ and suggested I go downstairs and talk to D. While I was crying on his shoulder, I realized how upset I really was. How this stupid infertility was really affecting me. I logically knew it might take months if not years to get pregnant again but I wanted to think differently. I wanted to believe I was like every other woman I knew who, oops got pregnant… with their 4th in fact! They weren’t even planning it! They were even on birth control! HA But that wasn’t my story and that made me sad. It made me sad it takes so much work, planning, money, stress to get pregnant. I was emotionally drained from the hope, the disappointment, the hope, the disappointment, over and over again. And more than anything else, I was scared of the unknowns.
And at that point, I had to ask myself, how many more months of clomid could I take? How many more months of ups and downs did I want to endure? Was I ready for the next steps? IUI? IVF? Another exploratory surgery? Phew it sounded exhausting. I’m not ready I thought. I’m not ready for all that craziness and turmoil.
We needed a break. Maybe we would try again in a couple months but we just needed to relax. Let’s just enjoy Jack being one, we decided.
And so this time around is different than with Jack. The answers aren’t the same. The path has different steps. I am already a Mom and for that I am endlessly grateful. But the pain, the frustration, the unknowns of infertility is the same.
Of course, our God is a timely one and put this in my devotion today:
“I did not design the human mind to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me. Bring Me all your needs, your hopes and fears.” – Jesus Calling
And one of my all time favorites: Psalm 37:5
Thank you for sharing your heart. I’ve been down the infertility road and it sucks. I have you guys in my prayers.
Kelly, thank you for sharing your story. I’m praying for you.
Thank you for being so honest. God clearly has such a beautiful plan for your family. I know there are probably so many people in your life giving you advice and as a stranger, I clearly have no right to advise you. But I know what the Bible promises… and I know that God loves you. I know that all things (including the sucky things) work for good to those who are called according to His purpose. It is so evident, even to an outsider, that you are striving to do just that. Trust in His promises. Be encouraged 🙂
Kelly, I’m not a religious person at all, but I am holding you in the light and hoping that you and your beautiful family receive all the blessings you’ve been hoping for. Your love for Jack (and Dustin) comes across in every post you write, and that is incredibly moving to me. Best of luck to you. (By the way, I found your blog from wayyyyyyy back when your pregnancy photos were feature on the Spearmint Baby site!)
God is faithful.He always is! And He has something much greater than you can imagine! Ephesians 3:20. He really gives us far more than we could have ever imagine! He is capable of doing ANYTHING, but in order to make His performance He has to prepare the atmosphere. He is working on something big for you Kelly and for your family. Just be patient and HOLD onto Him 🙂
Kelly,
I don’t know if you remember me but we had the similar story and I commented on one of your blog’s posts. I have endometeriosis and had surgery to remove it to get pregnant with my son. Thank you for being so honest in this post. I’ve been struggling with ups and downs for 2 and half years now. We’ve been trying for another baby since my son was 9 months old and now he’s nearly 3 years old. 7 months ago, I finally decided that I’m going to accept the fact my son might be the only child and that’s okay. I’m eternally blessed because I got the chance to experience the pregnancy, the newborn, the age 1, the age 2, now almost the age 3. I got to be a mother. If I get pregnant again, I will be overjoyed! But if I don’t, I don’t get depressed. I thank God that I have my son. Life got alot easier once I gave it all to God and accepted the possibility. It might be different for every woman though. Kelly, you’re in my prayers.
Kelly! Seriously every time that I read your blog I feel like you’re even greater of a person than I had thought before. You are amazing, just remember that!
wow Kelly! thanks for sharing this, I think you are so brave.
God’s timing IS so perfect!! How wonderful that that was your devotion when you needed those words so much!! Thank you for sharing Kelly! As always I’m praying for your little family!! Much love!!
Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who also suffers from infertility, I very much appreciate you opening up.
My story is (unfortunately) very similar.
My 3 yr old son was conceived on Clomid and timed intercourse. Thank God it only took one cycle.
Our second child was a completely different story. He took over 2 years, 2 losses, many negative pregnancy tests, IUI’s, a d&c, many MANY tears and a huge chunk of money. My d&c was earlier this year and after losing our second baby, I have lost hope.
Sobbing through my words, I told my husband I wanted to take a much needed break over the Summer.
Well God is so good because a month after my surgery, I became pregnant completely on my own. It was a huge surprise that my body even spit out an egg (I have PCOS), much less that it was actually fertilized!
I’m sitting here today almost 20 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy. I’m thankful everyday and feel so incredibly blessed.
Don’t lose faith, God has a plan for you and I know it’s going to include another child.
You guys! You have officially overwhelmed me with your stories, your encouragement, your compliments, and your prayers. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your words mean more than you know.
Kelly, thank you for being so brave to post your thoughts and feelings here. Infertility and pregnancy loss are such hard topics to discuss and so many women are struggling with this. Your bravery is appreciated, and it is beautiful to witness someone struggling but doing all of the healthy and loving things to deal with their pain.
Praying for you Kelly. We had two miscarriages, so I understand on a different level the sadness and wanting to see that darn “pregnant” word on a test.
Psalm 28:7 “the Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.”