I have my 2nd IUI (Intrauterine insemination) Monday. To be honest, I feel a little silly saying that. This is our attempt at a 3rd baby and it almost feels excessive to want/wish/dream for a 3rd. As someone who dealt with infertility the first 2 times, shouldn’t I just be grateful for the boys? Of course I am unbelievably thankful for them. Sometimes I leave their room at night feeling like my heart could burst open. Any other Mamas out there? I know so many women who never get to have any, let alone two. Yet… I still feel like our family isn’t complete. I hate admitting that because if a 3rd doesn’t happen, I will have to be okay with that fact – that our family is already complete the way it is.
I was praying about this the other night and said something like “Lord, I just hope you want us to have another baby.” And immediately my next thought was “I [Jesus] am your hope.” Well. Can’t argue with that. My focus is frequently on what I can do and not on Him. I am a fixer so I will just keep going until I find a solution. Yet I know the Lord wants me to look to Him for answers…
“With regard to God’s answers to prayer, expect the unexpected. Most of the greatest gifts and deepest joys that God gives us come wrapped in painful packages.” – Desiring God
A hard truth because I sit here with the desire for a 3rd baby. I’m not even sure what the next steps will look like if the IUI fails again. Since they don’t know the reason for my infertility (unexplained is the worst word); it’s a process of trial and error. Right now I’m taking it slow, making decisions one step at a time, and trying to trust God through it.